I have been seeing my shrink on a regular basis. It turns out that going through the things I have gone through is really hard to get over on your own. Everyone I know just assumes that I am having a hard time with Jacob’s death, which is true, but none of them are aware of the baby. It has been a month now, and that secret will forever be only mine to have.
With continual professional help and medication, I have been able to get back to a more normal type of life. I have gone back to school again. I have even started to write again. But completely normal may be out of the question. My shrink says I have distanced myself from everyone and keep myself from moving on because of it, but how can I ever truly share myself with anyone again. I lost everything in the same timespan it takes others to read a book.
Sometimes I think about what it would have been like if I had decided to keep the baby. How my life would be different. I know, even without being told, that it is not good to dwell on the what ifs. I turn myself back to the present not knowing what the future will hold for me. I only dream that the twinkle of hope I see now will continue to grow until it consumes my life, and that I can one day enjoy what I have earned yet still remember the things that I have lost. After all, what I lost was the catalyst for who I have become. That knowledge has taken me months to discover for myself.
To be continued…